You’ve chosen your divorce mediator. You’ve exchanged detailed financial disclosure and gotten any advice that you need to understands your rights, obligations, and potential outcomes for your legal Separation Agreement. Your mediation date is scheduled.

You’re heading into your divorce mediation: What can you do now to maximize your success?

1 - Think About Your Priorities

There are many issues to be decided on after a separation and it is helpful if you have clarity about your priorities. What are some of the details that feel most important to you? Consider a range of possibilities that would meet your needs but try to hold your desire for any specific outcomes lightly so that you can remain flexible and open to incorporating other ideas, variations, or structures into the plan.

2 - Practice Active Listening

You need to truly hear and understand the other person’s perspective in order to craft a solution that they will find acceptable. Listen for what issues and details seem to be most important to them so that you can get a sense of where there is more flexibility and where there is less room to negotiate. You may hear new information from the other person or from the divorce mediator that is important for you to take in.

3 - Don’t Make Assumptions

It is tempting for people to make assumptions about what the other person wants or will agree to but these assumptions are often incorrect. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they will be reasonable. Let them share their priorities and preferences rather than jumping in on their behalf to say what you think they will or won’t agree to. Ask open-ended questions to find out more about their priorities.

4 - Focus On the Future, Not the Past

This is a time of transformation. Focus on the current situation and options for the future rather than bringing up grievances about the past. Remember that you are in mediation to seek solutions so try to avoid placing blame or making broad generalizations which often cause offense. Instead of expressing your dissatisfaction about something, consider what you could suggest that would address your concern. Work in the spirit of collaboration by brainstorming mutually beneficial resolutions.

5 - Make Reasonable Proposals

It wastes everyone’s time and often insults the other person to start with a lowball offer. Once you understand the issues, start negotiating within the range of what seems like a fair outcome to you. If you can present a few options, this will have the benefit of demonstrating your flexibility as well as hopefully getting information about your partner’s preferences. Make your offers specific and clear so that the person receiving the offer can easily understand them.

6 - Don’t Rush to Judgment

You may hear new ideas and information which could take some time for you to process. It is appropriate to pause and collect your thoughts before responding when you are negotiating important issues. Allow a moment for your emotions to settle. Be patient with yourself, your partner and with the process. If you can be open to compromises and alternative solutions, this will increase the likelihood of reaching an agreement.

7 - Don’t Be Aggressive

Don’t make threats or ultimatums. Everyone already knows that family court is available to you as a last resort so you don’t need to say that if you don’t get what you want then you will let a judge decide. This type of strategy may seem like a powerful move but it often backfires. It may cause the other person to react defensively and become less flexible because it can feel like you are not negotiating in good faith. This makes getting to an agreement even more difficult. And if the other person actually does cave to your ultimatum, there is a serious risk that they will regret their decision and apply to court to overturn the agreement on the basis that they were pressured into it. Allowing yourself to get angry and aggressive is generally not a winning strategy.

8 - Stay Calm and Civil

Try to create a comfortable negotiating environment that will bring out the best in the other person and will allow you to work towards your goals. Manage your emotions and approach conversations with a calm demeanor. Choose your words carefully. Use language that is neutral, not provocative or accusatory. Say what you want rather than what you don’t want and this will help foster a collaborative environment. If you feel yourself getting upset, take a couple of deep breaths and remember the goal of divorce mediation is to reach an agreement with the other person. Feel free to ask for a short break if you need one.

9 - Calm Your Nervous System

Before your divorce mediation starts, you may want to exercise to use up some nervous energy and eat a healthy meal so that you have the fuel you need to focus for a couple of hours on what may be a difficult conversation. Prepare yourself a warm beverage to help you feel grounded. If you have a pet, consider having your pet close during mediation in order to settle your nerves. You might want to wear a cozy sweater or keep a soft blanket on you. If possible, wear comfortable clothing and sit in a comfortable chair. Set yourself up for success by considering your comfort ahead of time.

10 - Don’t Expect Emotional Closure

Dealing with the emotional aspect of your separation and divorce is extremely important and the appropriate professional to help you with that is a therapist.

Your family mediator will try to help you focus on the details that are relevant to the legal issues being decided because the purpose of family mediation is to reach a legal agreement that will be finalized in a legal separation contract. Mediation is not an opportunity to vent your complaints about the other person. You can’t expect to achieve emotional closure through mediation. However, if you feel you have wronged the other person, a brief heart-felt apology can sometimes help the negotiation move forward.

11 - Remember to Relate to the Other Person as a Fellow Human Being

You can show empathy and acknowledge the emotions of the other person even if you don’t agree with them. It is also helpful to express gratitude by acknowledging any positive actions, contributions or concessions offered by the other person in the negotiation.

In Summary

• think about your priorities;

• listen to understand;

• don’t make assumptions;

• focus on the future, not the past;

• make specific & reasonable proposals;

• pause, reflect & try to maintain a spirit of flexibility;

• don’t be aggressive & threatening;

• stay calm & use neutral language;

• take good care of yourself;

• try to empathize with the other person;

• expect legal but not emotional closure.

You can do this and we are here to help you!