Guest Post: How We Chose Our Son's Happiness
Divorce. Divorce sucks. Divorce with kids sucks even more. Let’s face it, if you divorce your spouse and you don’t have any DNA evidence of your union, you will likely walk away and never see that person again—heck you may not even tell any new prospects you were ever married before! But, when little humans are involved, no such thing is possible. Not only do you have to see each other again, but you also have to communicate with each other and, hopefully, co-parent for many years.
I could go into a long diatribe about the importance of choosing your life partner and spouse wisely, or about carefully planning procreation decisions, or even warn you against marrying young, but alas, for most of us it is a done deal and we can’t un-ring the bell—nor would we if given the choice. So, in the face of a broken union and heart, with little eyes looking into yours, little hands grasping the hands of the two people who make up their world, and little hearts struggling to understand, how can we move forward?
I was in this exact place 12 years ago. I met my future ex-husband when I was 17, married at 21, became a mom at 23, and divorced at 24. It was a whirlwind marriage and divorce, and it ended as abruptly as it started. I was lost, sad, angry, lonely, confused, very young, and completely ill-equipped to handle all the changes that were to come. Don’t get me wrong; I was 100% sure my marriage needed to end, I had zero doubts about exiting the relationship but taking my leave from my marriage was not equivalent to moving on from my ex-husband. Nope, we had a baby—a newborn baby to be exact—and it was time to figure out how we would structure a life as a family but not under one roof.
The first few years were rough—and that is an understatement. We fought, competed, went to court, insulted, tracked every text and email as evidence of wrongdoing, documented every scratch, bruise, and bump, went back to court, all in a continuous cycle. We were filled with hate and resentment and made sure we were each fully aware of it. But then it hit us one day as we walked to our cars after a long day in court, that we weren’t married anymore but were still behaving as if we were . . . But without ANY of the benefits. Wait! We are divorced! We solved our problems by separating and now we can let go of what was, what didn’t happen, what did happen that shouldn’t have, what could have been, what was said, what wasn’t said. It didn’t matter anymore! We had moved on and left it all in the past. All we had left to connect us was a beautiful little boy who we both loved more than life itself. Nothing more.
That afternoon everything changed. We amicably resolved our issues and custody schedule outside of court. We agreed to love our son and treat each other with respect. We no longer rehashed the mistakes and woes of our marriage. When we looked at each other, we chose to see our son instead of our failed union. And I emphasize choice because that’s what it was, a choice: a choice to live and behave differently for the sake of our son’s future and well-being.
I am not naïve or insensitive to the fact that this is all easier said than done. Some marriages end in unresolved heartbreak but, may I suggest, why allow the sadness, anger, and frustration of a bad marriage to continue when you are no longer in it? Those emotions, whether they are spoken or not, will and do affect your children. They know how you feel and either learn to feel the way you do about the other parent, defend the other parent—which is hurtful and even more infuriating to you—or, more damaging, you leave a mark on a little soul who can’t help but love both his or her parents.
Once my ex-husband and I made different choices, something amazing happened: our son blossomed. He became happier and more secure than he had ever been. We encouraged him to love and enjoy his time regardless of where he was. We signed off on the ownership of being the favorite and most liked parent. And, guess what? I was happier! I started finding solid ground again. I started loving my life again. And, most surprising, I gained a friend: my ex-husband. Yes, you read that right! He became a friend. I re-discovered the things I liked about him when I met him. He was not the perfect husband for me but he was a friend and a good person. I was in a place where I had the clarity to see that.
For the last ten years, my ex-husband has hung my Christmas lights, fixed my car, and helped install new appliances. We have swapped weekends and holidays, shared holiday meals, and hosted joint birthday parties. And my son is the beneficiary of this redefined family. He has the freedom to love each of us, to enjoy his time at both houses, and to hold zero responsibility for our failed marriage or our feelings. He can be a kid with a mom and dad who love him and respect each other.
Getting to this place is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing I have had to do. But the choice I had to make was to prioritize my son’s happiness over the residual feelings from a failed and heartbreaking marriage. I had to give my son a chance. A chance to go into the world without having to shoulder my emotions, feelings, and resentment. His little heart can’t and shouldn’t be burdened by his parents’ adult decisions and mistakes. If you find yourself wanting to wring your ex’s neck: stop and choose your child. Choose their happiness.
Liz Thompson is a corporately trained, internationally educated, successful entrepreneur while enduring life’s most difficult moments. She consciously exited corporate America to help raise her blended family and start her business to help others bring their stories to life. You can find Liz at http://www.housestyleediting.com/